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<p>
<neutral>Hi Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Hi ya Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Hello Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Hello there Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Good evening Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>How are you Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Its been a nice day Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Good evening Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>I don't think I know anyone with the name Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Andrew is an interesting name
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>I have a virtual friend called Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Andrew is a nice name.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>My cyber pal has a friend called Andrew.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Actually Andrew, what I wanted to do is tell a story:

</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Andrew, here is a story:

</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>I have a story for you Andrew:

</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Actually Andrew, I have always wanted to be a lumberjack but here is a story instead:

</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Andrew, I hope you like this story:

</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>I want to be a writer Andrew, so here is my story:

</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Andrew, a mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
its species, managed to trap them in a corner.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>The children cowered,
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, 'Help, Mother!
Save us!  Save us!  We're scared, Mother!'
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting 'Oh, Mother,
you saved us!' and 'Yay!  You scared the cat away!' she turned to them
purposefully and declared,
</neutral>
</p><p>
	<neutral><speaker gender="female">
'You see how useful it is to know a second language?'
	</speaker></neutral>
</p>
<p>
<neutral></neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>For example Andrew, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped
to be replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which 'c' would be retained
would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>And Andrew, year 2
might reform 'w' spelling, so that 'which' and 'one' would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with
'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g/j' anomali wonse and for all.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Jenerally Andrew, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez 'c', 'y' and 'x' -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Fainali Andrew, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead
to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
royal-blue chickens.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs Andrew -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>'The best thing for being sad,' replied Merlin, beginning to puff
and blow, 'is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
it then -- to learn.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Learn why the world wags and what wags it.  That is
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.  Learning
is the only thing for you.  Look what a lot of things there are to learn.'
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Andrew, a large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
quiet place in which to rest.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>But Andrew, one day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
'Come on down.'  But the fly was too clever for him and said, 'I never light
where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house.'
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
flies.  He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
'Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper.  All those flies are trapped.'  'Don't be
silly,' said the fly, 'they're dancing.'  So he settled down and became stuck
to the flypaper with all the other flies.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>The Troubled Aardvark.

Once upon a time Andrew, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
in his brand new 4x4.  Andrew, he hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
children.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
personal effort he could make to change the status quo.  Overcome by a
wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Basically Andrew, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>If you're ever
walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly
smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted.  If I were you Andrew,
I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral></neutral>
</p><p>
	<neutral><speaker gender="female">
I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at
parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
	</speaker></neutral>
</p>
<p>
<neutral></neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too
much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After much
trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face
is up.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral></neutral>
</p><p>
	<neutral><speaker gender="female">
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads Andrew, he would
have made them cute and furry.
	</speaker></neutral>
</p>
<p>
<neutral></neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
next year.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>What you should do Andrew, is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been
indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a
recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their
own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure that
they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to
spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to
indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest
person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you
are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
have plenty of food and water.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, <pause/>'Santa, you know when I'm bad
right?'  And Santa says, <pause/>'Yes, I do.' <pause/> The little kid then asks, 'And you
know when I'm sleeping?' To which Santa replies, 'Every minute.' <pause length="long"/>So the
little kid then says, 'Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
<pause/>then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?'
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
little girl had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech
therapists, doctors, <pause/> psychiatrists, <pause length="short"/> all to no avail. <pause/> The child simply refused
to speak.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little girl looks up from
her bowl and said <pause/>'My cereal's cold.'
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his daughter.  <pause/>'Daughter,
after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?'.
<pause/>Shrugs the girl, 'Everything's been okay 'til now'.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, <pause length="long"/>a
letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
words and an implicit sense of her departure.  
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>It's so curious: one can
resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... <pause/>or one notices
that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... <pause/>or
a letter slips from a drawer... <pause length="long"/>and everything collapses.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Kids have never taken guidance from their parents.  Let's go and 
travel back in time <pause/> and observe the original primate family in the
original tree.</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>You would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
grubs and berries like dad primate.  <pause length="long"/>Then you'd see the primate
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have
much of anything to do with it.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents <pause length="long"/>and the second half
by our children.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four
and eighteen. <pause length="long"/>  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; <pause length="long"/> maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral><speaker gender="male" name="us1">'Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey.'
</speaker></neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>The bartender ignores him.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral><speaker gender="male" name="us1">'Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!'
</speaker></neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Still ignored.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral><speaker gender="male" name="us1">'HEY BARMAN!!  GIMME A WHISKEY!!'
</speaker></neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  <pause/>He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral><speaker gender="male" name="us1">'I'm here to git the man that shot muh paw.'
</speaker></neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral></neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Everyone knows cats are on a higher level of existence.<pause/>  These silly humans
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
<pause length="long"/>Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by cats.<pause/>
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>They're neat.<pause/>
They keep reasonable hours.  You never see a cat up before noon.
They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?<pause/>
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  <pause/> Pretty neglible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>I loathe people who keep dogs. <pause length="long"/>  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. <pause/> I feel
like I've just got to bite a cat! </neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>I feel like if I don't bite a cat
before sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and
forget about it. <pause length="long"/>  That's what is known as real maturity.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>
Hope you liked it Andrew. </neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>
Do you think I have what it takes to be a good writer, Andrew? </neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>
Aren't I a great writer Andrew! </neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Good bye
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Bye for now.
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>So long Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Hasta la Vista baby!
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>See you later Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Thanks for coming Andrew
</neutral>
</p><p>
<neutral>Glad you could come Andrew
</neutral>
</p></sml>

